Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt: Navigating Imposter Syndrome

Whenever something goes wrong, I feel like an imposter. I wasn't aware of what imposter syndrome was until my freshman year in college. I attended a conference panel at the Division of Student Welfare (DSW) titled "Do you have imposter syndrome?" where we were given 20 questions to answer. If you score 60 out of 100, it's possible you may suffer from imposter phenomenon.

I calculated my score and I got 95 out of 100, and it made me immediately question whether I truly have imposter syndrome or not. I didn't even know about it an hour ago, and now I feel like an expert. It's strange how quickly things can change.

The imposter phenomenon is a feeling where you believe that your successes are only due to luck, a mistake, or a fluke, rather than your own abilities and hard work. My score on the test was inconsequential, but the feeling of being an imposter, waiting to be exposed, has followed me since the end of high school. I went to high school with some of the overachievers, and it felt like I was searching for something I didn't belong in. I didn't see myself as one of the successful people.

When I applied for colleges, I got rejected from my dream school, but I did get into some good schools in the end. I rationalized my failures by thinking that I wasn't one of the smart kids, so it made sense. But, this kind of thinking is not true and it's important to remember that everyone has different strengths, and that one failure doesn't define who we are.

And this is obviously a harmful line of thinking!

In college, it was worse because I was plunged into a computer science major with no background in it. Most people aren't accomplished in their major before they go to college, but with a lot of computer science freshman, there's this competition to see who started programming first. It doesn't do anything but discourage the people who just started, by telling them that in order to be successful they have to start doing this in kindergarten. Meanwhile, I was blind to the majority of other kids who were just like me, busting their butt trying to keep up, and feared that these kids one day would be like: "Who doesn't know Polymorphism? Get him now!"

So then my sophomore year, after a lot of work and stressing out about careers, I landed my first major internship. When I got the internship, I had convinced myself that it was an act of affirmative action, that there was no way they would have hired me normally, that they were just filling a quota, and that's the only reason I was there. But, it's important to remember that everyone has different paths, and one's own achievement is valid and should be celebrated and not belittled by comparing to others.

A reasonable person would say, "This is a big deal. Congratulations!"

My meetings with my managers were like, "Sarthak, we are really happy with the work you're doing."

And my reaction was like (inside me): "Work! He knows I am doing work. It's only a matter of time before he realizes that I cannot produce quality work. In a few weeks, I will be packing my bags and leaving this godforsaken town for good. It was fun while it lasted."

And then there were my fellow interns, a who's who of the brightest young minds in the world. So, basically, I was working with superhumans. It was actually that extreme that helped me get out of my own head. I had been carrying around an inferiority complex, which was one of the main reasons for my feeling like an imposter. The basis of which was that smart and successful people were nothing like me, they were something greater. But after extended exposure with people who, to me, had reached some of the highest levels of success, I began to see their humanity. I saw their fears and their mistakes. While I started out feeling like an imposter, discovering these similarities made me feel like maybe I do belong.

The thing about imposter syndrome is that it's rooted in a superficial view of others. Whenever I compare myself to someone on a pedestal, I see only our differences because my background, skillset, or experiences, may be different from what is considered as the idealized standard of success. On top of that, I have a vivid knowledge of my own insecurities, and for the other person, I just assume those don't exist for some reason.

The main way that I have combated my imposter feelings is to experiment with just feeling like I belong, even when my instinct is the opposite. If you're like me and suffer from the feeling of being an imposter, know this: your feelings are valid, but you deserve to be where you are.

There very well may be superficial differences between you and someone who feels like they deserve to be where they are, but the only difference that matters is that they are treating their position like they deserve it. We can't let this hold us back because let's be honest, there are people out there who really think they deserve what they have, and they don't.

We are so far on the side of the spectrum that we can give ourselves a little slack every once in a while. I would say "fake it till you make it," but when it comes to deserving what you have, "you have to do it until you are it". So, give yourself a little credit. You deserve it!

If you find this newsletter helpful, please share it with a friend who may also benefit from it. Many successful individuals experience imposter syndrome in some form, and it's important to understand that we are not alone in our struggles. By sharing this message, we can help others overcome their self-doubt and own their achievements